Ass O'Clock

My brother used to talk about how he'd like to run a small, failing business, presumably someplace downtown within easy access of a bar so he could close down periodically and hang out there- lamenting his losses, rationalizing his way through another day. We've both had a few ideas over the years, some good, some harebrained.

I had one idea for such a business some years back, a retail store specializing in footstools, called(drum roll please)--The Ottoman Empire. He seemed to like the idea when I brought it up. If I had the kind of disposable income to do something like this just for fun, I might just take a stab at it. Otherwise I'd be in that bar myself, licking my wounds, lamenting my losses. Rationalizing my way through another day. And in the process, slamming more Coronas than I should.

Well, another idea just surfaced. Yes, another harebrained business venture, but not without its possible entertainment value: again, a retail establishment, this time selling apparel. Now this could be a co-ed venture, but I was thinking of an outlet for women, outfits to feature their rear-ends. Panties, shorts, like that. As far as what to call the establishment, many names come to mind: Butt Beautiful, The End Zone(maybe that could be the men's outlet), the Derriere Boutique, Cheek Chic, Buns R Us, Gluteus Maximus.

Okay, this is where the Roundly business acumen comes into play. Whatever we call this place, and however it's geared(unisex, separate facilities), there will be certain features. Each store will have an "ass" motif, and let's start with the clocks. Ass clocks, but not necessarily like the one pictured here(hey, it's all I could find), more that each number will be replaced by a butt, so it's always Ass O'Clock. And each sales employee will be required to answer the phone with the same script: Butt Beautiful, where it's always ass o'clock, this is Tiffany, how may I help you?

This all started with my hearing, for the first time, the phrase ass o'clock. It was from the commentary part of a season of The Office, where one of the writers was quoted as complaining that they had to be at work at ass o'clock. The connotation here is a negative one, meaning an unreasonably early hour(case in point: once as a road musician I played the Palace Station in Las Vegas for our first night from 9pm to 3am, then returned the next day at noon. That was, to us, ass o'clock.), but I decided to give it a different slant. A celebratory meaning. Here at Butt Beautiful(or whatever)we're all about making your ass look good. So to us, it's always ass o'clock!

The other gem I fished from the Urban Dictionary was six o'clock, which refers to a woman's vertical buttcrack(and again, this could be a co-ed thing). Might be nice to have the store hours from six in the am to six in the pm. Pity the poor soul who has to close and then open the next day. Now that's some serious ass o'clock!

Well okay, not really

As it turns out, someone got the Lab results mixed up. So another poor individual is, in fact, insane. But not you. And just as you're getting the news that you're not, in fact, insane, they're getting the news that they are- in fact, insane.

One person is happy and relieved, and the other devastated. But then again, if they really are in fact insane, maybe they're so far gone they have no idea what's going on and thus might as well be happy and relieved themselves for all they understand of the situation. Or maybe they're completely insane but somehow still fully cognizant of the goings-on around them and are happy and relieved not to be sane!

But whatever their understanding, they are still the crazy person, not you. You are not, in fact, insane.

But you may be a real butthole in other ways..