My (Ig)noble Genes

There are, among other things, three basic hereditary strands in my family, three prominent traits : shortness, intelligence and alcoholism. Shortness is probably more prevalent in Mom's side, but the intelligence and alcoholism run down both sides of the genetic fence.

So how does this trickle down to me? Well, at 5'4", I definitely got the short end of that DNA stick(thanks so much for that, Mom!), so that's one. As far as alcohol, I was a prodigious beer-drinker in my 20's and early 30's, but then so was everybody else. Much as I hate the whole idea of genetic determinism, I may well have inherited a tendency toward alcoholism, but haven't ever had a real problem with it.( I am drinking a beer while writing this, but that shouldn't be a factor here..).

As to intelligence, we do have some truly smart folk among my kith and kin. The highest IQ in the family that I know of belonged to my Uncle Phil, who had a score of 164, which is of course up there in the cognitive stratosphere, in the 99.9th percentile or thereabouts. Two of my cousins are members of Mensa, and thus themselves probably in at least the 140's-150's range. One of them teaches at Oxford, for what that's worth.. Their sister is also smart as hell.

Likewise my brother, Mom, Dad and other cousins et al. It's a humbling experience being in this family. I guess I inherited some intelligence in the deal(along with the shortness and perhaps a latent alcoholism), though perhaps not in such measure as a few others. My IQ is 29 points lower than my Uncle Phil's, which puts me in the 98th percentile. Not a genius, but not a dummy either. I have my perspicacious moments- along with, by my own admission, a lot of stoopid ones!

I suppose it's a nice thing to have, but the only time my IQ score ever really helped me in this life was once as a freshman in College. There was this kid- Dennis - who was your basic schmuck, at least towards moi. Not evil, mind you- not a "terrible person" by any means, but still, at times, an abrasively insecure one . The sort who makes flippant, insulting remarks to others just to boost his own shaky self-esteem. "Rog- you're dumb!" was said to me on several occasions, just out of the blue with no provocation on my part.

So one day a group of people, including Dennis, are sitting around a table in the cafeteria. Dennis was holding forth about his various accomplishments and personal honors. I was tuning most of it out, but I remember hearing, "..and an IQ of 128".

"My IQ is 135", I said. He got this sort of HUMPH expression on his face, and then the table enjoyed a moment of silence. Man that was fun. A small personal victory. At least he never called me dumb after that..

If he hadn't insulted me on those occasions, I would have kept my lousy 7 extra IQ points to myself and just let him ramble on. I'm not into one-upsmanship, and besides, I come from a family wherein several people could wipe the floor with me in that regard. So humility has been hammered into my ass. Still, there are those times when you need to win one by whatever means necessary. And this was one of them.

So that was the one time my not-great-but-not-shabby IQ came in handy. Even though I'd love to have an astronomical number like my Uncle Phil's(and of course the brain to go with it!)it was probably more effective that mine was just a little bit higher rather than several stadium steps above good ol' Dennis. Just enough to make the point--and to stop his sonata of self-praise, if only for a moment..


Well that's me I guess. A short smart drunk. I'm fine with what I've been given. Well okay I would like to be taller, but I've more or less accepted my height--my feet reach the ground anyway. And alcohol is not a problem- even if I am drinking a second beer while writing this. And even though it's not way up there, I'm okay with the IQ I have, even semi-proud of it--although I don't think it makes me better than anyone else. Or even necessarily more intelligent. I've met folks who didn't do quite as well - Dennis, for one- whom I felt were just as bright as I. And conversely, I've met folks with higher scores than mine whom I felt didn't really have anything on me in that area.

Just like drinking , one's self-image needs to be kept in check . Keep your perspective. Easy to run away with oneself as far as one's "worth" and all, one's "sense of entitlement" in this world. I suppose I could just as easily be the pompous individual sitting in the cafeteria going on about his accomplishments, and then have someone I'd blithely insulted on a few occasions cut in, "My IQ is 142".

And then I'd be the one with the HUMPH expression, all pissed off to their delight and vindication..

* As a sort of post-script to this piece, I wanted to mention that I did share it with one of my cousins. She wrote back to say that she enjoyed it, and shared some of my sentiments in there. Also mentioned her brother's kids, who were "super-smart. And short. And one is in AA. " Nice to see that family traditions continue...