Tuesday, January 30, 2007

My Fine is $330.10

I got this handy list of "transgressions" from my friend Deidre's blogsite(and she in turn got it from someone else's). Normally I don't care for the whole 'chain letter' kinda thing, but this was fun. Went through all these, and owned up to the things I 've done. The above figure is my total. Deidre's was over $500.00. Either I didn't add mine up right, or she's had a much more eventful life than I. Anyway, see how you do with it.

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Cross dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

One's Prurient Interests

Have you ever considered that hormone and whore moan could be not only homonyms(words that sound the same but don't necessarily mean the same)but synonyms as well(words that don't necessarily sound the same but have similar meanings)?

Well okay, you have to read a little into it, but..

Also, would you consider a form of government based on(or fueled by)pornography a Pornocracy? And if you were a citizen, or proponent of, would you be called a Pornocrat? Would you have to take a Pornocratic Oath to serve that government?

As well as occasionally enjoying pornographic materials(DVDs & internet filmclips--which I suppose you could call porn chips, and if it involves a chick being reamed by a dildo, "porn on the cob". Okay, I'll stop here..), I just like the word. Pornography. Just the smutty, plain-brown-wrapper, furtive lasciviousness of it all. And almost as much(as far as cool words go ), prurient interest.

Seems like I've had my prurient interests(aka moaning whores)awhile now, since about age 12. I remember a friend and I stole a Cavalier magazine at that age from a magazine rack to look at a very well-upholstered model named Shawn Deveraux. Nice-looking brunette with a major set of yabbos.

Been enjoying such sights now for 40 years. Hope to enjoy them for a goodly number of more such years.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Phun wif' Ebonics(and other dialects)

Well I'd suppose every country on the planet has its own regional dialects, each of which are variants on the common language. Although pronunciation can vary greatly within this huge country(consider the phenomenon of "consonant migration", wherein the "r" is dropped in New England from words like car and yard and inserted in words in the South: "warsh", for example), there are basically two dialects: Ebonics, and "hillbilly"(not just ain't and t'aint, but using was instead of were: 'was you going to the store, Thelma Mae?'), which I suppose could be called--God help me--Ivoronics.

Ebonics does have its points. There are a few words up in there that really tell it like it is. My favorite word in the Ebonic dialect is foo'.

Foo' (foo) Syn. fool, fools. n. Injudicious individual. "Come on, foo'!"

But like its caucasian counterpart, Ebonics has its spit-in-the-face-of-good-grammar aspects to it. Where Ivoronics screws up everything in the past tense(I din't know them folks was coming)Ebonics leaves off all the contractions.

I guess without the contractions, the language is less labored. Okay, sorry for that one.

Anyway, yeah, I hear it all the time from clients where I work, and heard it real heavy in a movie I saw recently on BET. Don't remember the name of the film, but in it Ving Rhames was giving advice to a kid whose mother he was seeing, as to getting along with relatives. "I'm cool wif' both my baby mama". (Translation: I get along with both the women who bore my kids).

I dunno. Talking in either dialect like it's cool reminds me of when I was in 6th grade and we wore the linings from our jackets to school, thinking we were the shit. Looking back, of course, it's pretty idiotic and really says nothing but "we're young, dumb and full of--"

Seems to me that you'd want to make a departure from something, be it a language, culture, mode of attire, or any damn thing, to improve on it. Wearing the liners from your jacket looks worse. Leaving the contractions off words, or using the wrong word in the past tense sounds worse. Work smarter folks, not dumber. It's like going around wearing two different colored socks, and sneering at everyone wearing the same color on both feet. "Well, who do they think they are , anyway?!"

Clinging to ignorance is not "keepin' it real"

Just as one hates to see the environment destroyed by toxic substances, it's a shame seeing the language similarly polluted. English and English Lite....

Saturday, January 20, 2007

The Colonel of Corn

Aw shucks! Well, rather than subject you to an earful of further dreadful puns, let's move on, shall we?

But still, since there's a "Colonel" of chicken already(Officer Sanders)maybe that would automatically preclude a Colonel of Corn. Or perhaps Colonel Sanders is a Colonel not only of chicken but all KFC products, including those mini-corncobs(do they still serve those?), making him a de facto Colonel of Corn.

Food for thought perhaps. Any other ideas on this, please let me know by C.O.B. Monday.

Smokin' Dope with the Pope

"Thank you my son".

That's probably how it'd go down, between lighting the pipe or j or whatever means of conveyance you're using(the initial PFFT sound), then handing it to His Excellency('Eer). Plus his benevolent thanks.