Saturday, June 30, 2007

My Civic Duty

Well, I blew off the 5 year, the 10, the 15, the 20, the 25 and 30yr reunions but I did make my 35 yr High School Reunion. I've always figured that the folks I'd want to run into I would have by now, but there are a few who've fallen through the cracks as far as that goes, some I'd almost forgotten about but were and are still cool. So it was worth 2 hours of my Friday evening

Working as I do in a big noisy room full of people(many of whom have big problems, which we're trying to solve) often the last thing I want to do after my workday is go to another big noisy room full of people. Fortunately it was a relatively small room full of people and 2 hrs/3-4 Coronas was enough time and beer to devote to the event.

Really, the only reason I ended up going is that I got email from a few folks telling me they were going. Naturally, none of these folks were at the mixer, at least while I was there--figures that I'd miss the very people I went there to see. But, as I said, there are folks who've fallen through the cracks of conscious memory whom you had and still have a good time with. One of the more pleasant conversations I had was with somebody I have no recollection of from High School, but apparently knew me. It's a surprise who you end up running into.

And of course time does a number on many folks. Many were pretty much unrecognizable, sometimes for better sometimes for worse... I felt fortunate that except for a gut(which I am still working on)everything is still pretty much as it should be: got most of my hair and teeth and still look okay- at least in my own highly biased opinion.

I'd give it a 55. A moderately good time. Make the 40? Well, maybe- especially if they serve beer and it's at least sort of on the way home..

Mean King Sam

Once upon a time, in a land not too dissimilar to our own and in an office of like non-dissimilarities, there lived a ruler so mean and despotic the mere mention of his name sent shivers down the spine in certain circles.

And certain rectangles as well. Okay, sorry for that last one. Anyway, this ruler was one mean mother. And as a matter of fact that was part of the name he was known by.
Mean King Sam.

Mean King Sam, as he would tell you, ruled his Kingdom with an iron fist !!! Usually, in so telling you, his fist would in fact crash into some inert object thus punctuating his statement. In King Sam's realm, you were at your desk at precisely 7 o'clock to begin your workday or the punishments would start to add up for every second you're late. Actually you have to be early, as King Sam sets the clocks ahead by two minutes and immediately fires anyone more than two minutes late.

If you're a minute late, King Sam is a bit more lenient. You're promptly taken back to the manager's office and flogged for 60 seconds, and you take a 30% salary cut, but you still keep your job. And after 10 years, you go back to nearly full-salary, with most of your benefits- except of course your pension "adjustment"..

The milder infractions--tardiness of 1-59 seconds, having one's wastebasket outside the prescribed area, having one's mouse outside its prescribed area, wearing other than the company uniform- are dealt with accordingly. Usually a mild electric shock to the person at their desk and a 5% salary cut for 2 years as a first offense.

Breaks are taken at 10-minute intervals starting at 8:10, and are assigned according to last name. If you go beyond your 10 minutes, the tardiness clock starts ticking. One minute, a mild electric zap and 5% salary cut for 2 years(as a first offense), two minutes: immediate dismissal; three minutes or more: immediate dismissal, and incarceration.

Lunch is always eaten in the cafeteria, and the cost of the meals are taken out of your paychecks(plus an appropriate tip). Employees file in alphabetically and go to their assigned seats. King Sam expects his employees all to chew their food 32 times and not only synchronize their chewing but swallowing as well. At least within each row. That way all employees are digesting their food at exactly the same time. That's the King Sam Philosophy at any rate. And he has his employees synchronize their bathroom activities as well.

Vacation is 1 week after 10 years, 2 weeks after 20 years and 2 1/2 weeks after 30 years. And all taken out of your pay. After 30 years, you're eligibile for a pension at 25% of your salary. What a deal.

Well at least the line to go apply to work at King Sam's office is a short one.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

50 Farts

Well that's about how many came out of me between last night and now, mostly within a 2-3 hour period. Fortunately the air-conditioning dissipated whatever residual methane odor might've decided to stick around, so we didn't have to declare it a Disaster Area and call in FEMA or anything(hmm, maybe that's what the F really stands for..).

Just goes with the Friday lunch cuisine, which is quite often a bowl of chili and a hot dog. I'm usually okay coming back from lunch but a couple hours later- look out! Somehow ended up on the receiving end of a one-way transfer to downtown Fart City. Glad to get back outa there, I'll tell ya..

But I do enjoy the spicy stuff now and again, and other forms of not-so-good-for-you foodstuffs(see earlier blog: Cheezsnack Time = Throne Time a bit further down)realizing that there's going to be some comeuppance down the road in the form of--yes, throne time or inclement pants weather(i.e. wind). You play, you pay. I understand.

With that in mind, I've actually been working on being more healthful: getting some rudimentary kinda exercise in the form of isometric-type stuff and crunches(yow!), drinking more water, cutting back on soda and beer. When you hit your 40's and 50's it's more maintenance than anything. But there's usually a problem area: a protruding gut or an ass the size of Montana.

So I've at least made the initial step in the "journey of a thousand miles". Done it before, several decades back, to put on weight via weight-training exercises in the Baltimore Y's gym. Now I'm doing it- not weights, but the exercise lite equivalent in the form of isometricstuff-to lose weight--well not so much weight per se but bodymass in the wrong place.

Actually I think I'll close out this blog and go get in another exercise session. Feeling pretty good, fueled with a couple cups of coffee and a bacon n' cheese sammich(yes yes I know: Mr Cholesterol)awhile back. And the farts have stopped.

Oops. 51.